Thursday, September 11, 2014

An Epiphany While Watching Biggest Loser

Last night was the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. I'm not gonna lie, I was apprehensive. I didn't really approve of the weight loss of last year's winner Rachel. She looked SO thin to me! I was also a little put off that all of the contestants would be pro athletes. 
I must admit, though, that I really enjoyed it! I love the Bob twist, it is very Survivor-like, and a fun surprise. I love that no one knows about him until elimination. 
What hit me the hardest was Lori telling Jessie about her multiple miscarriages. As I listened to her story I realized that my miscarriage was where all of my weight issues began.
In February of 1998, right around my daughter's first birthday, I found out I was  pregnant. We were surprised but very happy! Shortly after, I went to a birthday party for the son of a casual friend. It was at a sort of kid gym, and I climbed the ladders and ropes to the top and slid down the long slide with my daughter. 
At the bottom, the birthday boy's mom looked at me with disgust and said "you just killed your baby". 
Yeah. That happened. She said it, and it weighed on me.
Shortly after, I miscarried. 
I was devastated. Her words haunted me for weeks. I ate everything in sight. I went from 150 pounds to about 180 pounds in a matter of a few months.
The next time I saw that woman, she said  "I told you that you killed your baby."
I kid you not.
No matter that my doctor told me I absolutely did not kill my baby. 
No matter that the ultrasound showed the baby had died weeks before, and not the week of the party. 
No matter that I had fibroids and come from a family with a history of miscarriages. 
All that mattered were her words.
The baby would have been a Halloween baby, so that was not a fun holiday for me for a long time. It still sits wrong with me 16 years later, but now it takes me a few hours to figure out what is bothering me. 
I know that I am a stress eater, I know how to eat properly. I have lost the weight before, after the birth of my son, so I know that I can do it. 
I guess what I need to do now is face my demons and move on. Is that even possible? I'm not sure. 
Now that I have realized where the problem began, I am hoping this will help me take the steps to build a healthier me!
I think I need a little angel on my shoulder pin to keep me motivated and remind me that it wasn't my fault. 

Did you watch the Biggest Loser? What did you think? What do you think of the new trainers?


  1. What a horrible woman to say that you to! I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know it's been years, but that was truly awful.

    I did watch 1/2 of the show last night (after swearing that I wouldn't after last years fiasco..) but once again I think I am going to like this season. I'm hoping to finish up the episode tonight after work but what I've seen so far, I think I'm going to like the twist as well!

    1. Thanks Desiree, every time I think I am over it, something happens and it all wells back up!
      The second half was great, the twist is so much fun, and it looks like a great cast!

  2. How terrible. I had a miscarriage 16 years ago. I was between marriages and I didn't want the baby. However, the day I was told that I lost it was the worst of my life. it still haunts me.

    I've never watched TBL but I may start.

  3. Life and death are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit.....(Proverbs 18:21) that woman is a perfect example of someone who is a death/ negative/ speaker. A woman who is bound up on the inside with negative and Godlessness and when she speaks the puke flows out....... ( A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of....Luke 6:45) These are my words to you..... You cannot curse what is blessed! May the God of heaven... the God of the world.... the creator of that baby that blessed your womb.... lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. May your heart and mind be so filled with peace that forgiveness flows freely from you and freedom rules your heart and mind. What a blessing you are to all of us.... Im so sorry you have been so tormented by the words of Godlessness. Bless your womb and bless your future!!!! In Jesus Name!!!

  4. Wow, what a horrible thing to say to you. And then the fact that she brought it up again?! Just wow. I'm sorry for your loss and her terrible words.